A Rain of Perpetual Memories

And so more sleep is lost

2008-11-19T10:37:49Z

It's almost 5:30 in the morning and rather than going and printing out my homework I finished almost an hour ago I have wandered onto this site that I have not visited in months. I doubt anyone will even read the stuff I write anymore.

The more and more I sit in classes the more and more I realize I should not be in college, especially NC State. I have no clue what I want to do with my life in any sense that the phrase can be interpreted. I have no idea what job I want. I have no idea what I want to major in. I have no idea if I want to live in a home in the country, a townhouse in the suburbs, or an apartment in the big city. I have no idea if I picture myself with or without "another" in my life. I have no idea if I want kids or not. I have absolutely no aspirations in my life beyond this point other than the basics: enough to get by.

I hate feeling pressured to make the decision now on what path I should take. I really just want to keep my major undecided because I cannot choose one right now, nothing feels right anymore. Every subject area just feels like the exact same thing to me: a bother.

I feel almost like I am in elementary school again. I go to class and come back to my room to find solace in the video games where I have sheltered myself ever since I was very young.

I would really like to continue dumping here the thoughts that have been plugging up my consciousness for what feels like years but losing more sleep will only make these thoughts even more of an issue.

So to bed I go, class in 5 hours

Now that I actually HAVE an MP3 player...

2008-07-28T22:36:54Z

Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first a line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: No cheating.

1. I think we have an emergency, I think we have an emergency
2. So this is how it goes, well I, I would have never known
3. When they push when they pull tell me can you hold on?
4. Somehow everything is going to fall right into place, if we only had a way to make it all fall faster every day
5. Heaven bent to take my hand and lead me through the fire, be the long-awaited answer to a long and painful fight
6. Hearts are worn in these dark ages, you're not alone in this story's pages
7. When the pimps in the crib drop it like it's hot
8. An old man turned 98, he won the lottery and died the next day
9. Tonight we'll fly away so high, our first full moon sky
10. Oh no I just keep on falling back to the same hole
11. We try so hard to understand, but we can't.
12. Okay so, who doesn't own a cell phone, who brought back their permission slip
13. Ah, dirty, filthy, nasty, Christina you nasty, too dirty to clean my act up
14. Another day is going by, I'm thinking about you all the time but you're out there and I'm here waiting
15. When you feel it in your body, you found somebody that make you change your ways
16. I'm in the business of misery, lets take it from the top
17. All these stupid silly songs keep trying to catch your ear, trying desperately, it's just so hard to persevere
18. Everything has been said before, nothing's left to say anymore when it's all the same you can ask for it by name
19. Breaking my back just to know your name, 17 tracks and ive had it with this game
20. Well I'll wait till you listen I won't say a word
21. Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by
22. All I know is everything is not as it's sold, but the more I grow the less I know
23. My eyes can't believe what they have seen.
24. Now I will tell you what I have done for you, fifty thousand tears ive cried
25. I kind of always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend, Whoa, I kind of always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend

hopefulprayer @ 2008-07-27T14:17:00

2008-07-27T18:22:28Z

I can't believe how long it has been since I've been on here

Anyway

I started working third shift at Wal-Mart and I hate it a lot

I have to start getting ready in about 6 hours and I can't sleep at all

I was going to type more but I forgot and actually I'm kinda getting tired again so I'm going to try and get at least a little sleep

hopefulprayer @ 2008-04-09T03:42:00

2008-04-09T07:50:44Z

I feel like I need to get away for a while

Just get away from school, home, just life in general

I am exhausted in every single way that a person can be exhausted, and no matter what I do I never feel rejuvenated

I'm sad all the time, I'm stressed all the time, my hair is falling out, I'm having trouble sleeping, it's just not good.

I have a book I should be trying to read, but I can't seem to focus because I'm so damn sad.

I need a break...from everything to do with my current life.

hopefulprayer @ 2008-04-08T16:49:00

2008-04-08T20:49:41Z

I had nightmares all night last night and my hair is falling out today

I don't know what is wrong with me

GEEZ

2008-04-07T07:05:03Z

Why don't most guys wash their hands after going to the bathroom?

I mean, seriously, if you were in there you obviously were not touching a lot of sanitary things in the bathroom

It's really no use washing my hands if I put my hand on a door handle, that has just been touched by a guy who just took his hand off his dick after pissing, in order to leave the bathroom.

hopefulprayer @ 2008-04-06T04:07:00

2008-04-06T08:08:01Z

I never realized until just now the extent to exactly how unbelievably shy I am...

Maybe I should just stop giving a damn about anything

2008-04-03T19:06:18Z

So, as anticipated I did not get the Resident Mentor position, I just got the rejection email

I knew it was coming, I was prepared for it, I knew exactly what that email was going to say before I opened it and still when I read it I felt like I had been punched in the stomach

I don't know why it hit me so hard, I knew I couldn't get the position right now anyway because I failed english, but still it stung

It often amazes me how anytime I truly want something the most unusual obstacles come from nowhere to get in my way

There are 10 slots for Resident Mentors available, normally they have less than that number of people apply, so pretty much as long as you meet the minimum requirements and do reasonably well on the essay and the interview you get the job

Well it just so happens that the year I come to NCSU and decide that I want to apply for the position all the sudden lots of people take interest in it

They had 21 people apply, more than twice the number of positions they have available

Normally, even if I had not met the requirements they would just wait until the end of the year and after grades and everything came in I could be offered the position during the summer, but seeing as this year they had so many people apply the likelihood of that happening is damn near slim

It really really sucks, because I wasn't even doing this for the extracurricular credit or putting it on my resume or getting paid or whatever, I actually WANTED to do this, and I wont get to because it just so happened that the year I get here they all the sudden have a surge in interest

It seriously does amaze me how every single time I actually decide to go out on a limb and actually try to get something I want like this out of the ordinary things come from nowhere to bar my path

I would really just love to lay down and forget about this until my next class but I have a fucking art history test to study for that I am undoubtedly going to fail

Oh and my roommate listening to retarded sounding jungle music without headphones and snapping his fingers to it while saying things and sounding all happy isnt helping my emo-tastic attitude go away either

SO...

2008-04-03T00:56:57Z

I changed my facebook to say that I am gay, which means now I am pretty much out to everyone I know that is not my family

Don't ask me why I just...did it, I just felt moved to do so I guess.

It just felt right I guess?

Not that most people haven't been saying it about me for years behind my back (and to my face) anyway

It will just be one less thing on my mind from now on

Not that anybody really cares, I doubt I will get many reactions from it, at least I hope so. I'm not really into being an attention whore

Writer's Block: Celebrity Sightings

2008-03-25T19:24:44Z

If one day you meet your favorite super star, what questions you would like to do to him/her?

View 501 Answers

I am beginning to like these things

I am pretty sure the first question I will ask is "Will you sex me now?"

what happens after that is up to their answer

Writer's Block: "Nothing Sharpens Sight Like Envy"

2008-03-25T07:35:33Z

What quality in your closest friend are you most envious of and why?

View 500 Answers

Really, I am envious of how much confidence they have because I can't seem to have any confidence in myself at all, I really envy that in anyone who has it.

hopefulprayer @ 2008-03-24T00:14:00

2008-03-24T04:53:18Z

I have my Resident Mentor interview in like 10 hours and 16 minutes

soooooo nervous

I hate interviews, so much

I spent about 3 1/2 hours total brainstorming and practicing and whatnot with my RM, and apparently my answers to every question I answered very well

I am so ill-prepared for this I had to effing borrow a pair of his pants because all I have is jeans, haha

the fact that he is so pretty is only a secondary reason to me asking him to help me with the interview >_

hopefulprayer @ 2008-03-19T21:37:00

2008-03-20T01:38:24Z

DAAAAAAAAAAMMNNN

Looks like I am stuck at NCSU for Easter *sad face*

I hate not having a car, seriously, it blows

I don't want to stay heeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrre

hopefulprayer @ 2008-03-17T05:19:00

2008-03-17T09:20:47Z

It's 5:20 in the morning, I'm going to get less than 6 hours of sleep

And yet this is the first time in a long time that I am going to bed absolutely happy

hopefulprayer @ 2008-03-17T00:31:00

2008-03-17T04:31:20Z

1. Comment with any subject that you would like me to rant on, with possible swearing involved. Any subject - I don't even have to agree with it.

2. Watch my journal for your rant

3. Post this in your own journal, so that you may rant for others. The end.

hopefulprayer @ 2008-03-06T18:47:00

2008-03-07T00:08:53Z

I hate the news, seriously, hate them

Sam Baker was such a sweet, funny, nice kid

and that article (the wsoctv one) makes him look like a statistic in the bad teen driver category, just another of those typical irresponsible teenage drivers with no respect for driving regulations, I mean there is even a link to "Teen Driver Facts" at the bottom of the fucking page!

and also stating the police wanting to charge him with a death by auto accident misdemeanor, that is so damn retarded, I think being pushed to the brink of death by your own mistake and killing a friend of yours would be enough punishment, the law can't do greater damage than that, even if he had survived

It all disgusts me

hopefulprayer @ 2008-03-06T05:04:00

2008-03-06T10:11:58Z

so tonight sucks

The family all went out to eat tonight

when we went out to eat tonight it was the baby's first time out to a restaurant, or really anywhere that wasnt my cousins or his gf's house, and there was this whole "OMG MUST TAKE PICTORZ 4 BABY BOOK" hooplah

and nobody had a camera so the older women (my mother and aunt) were acting like it was a tragedy and all that
and so i was like "holy crap, its nothing to make a huge deal out of, calm down and think about your health"

and my mom said "now i dont feel guilty for only keeping up with yours for the first 6 months"

that wasnt the hurtful part i really couldnt care less about that...

but then my aunt said "well think about what will happen when he gets married and has kids and his wife asks for his baby book"

anytime they mention my future wife and kids it always feels like a gut punch...

it is about the only thing I have been able to think about all night, and it seriously does feel like im being punched in the stomach every time i remember it, it kinda makes me want to cry

hopefulprayer @ 2008-02-28T12:59:00

2008-02-28T18:00:56Z

holy crap

I just typed my entire statistics paper, and I think it is very possible that I may have done the whole thing wrong...It is due in 30 minutes.

SHIT

hopefulprayer @ 2008-02-28T02:51:00

2008-02-28T07:54:36Z

I've accepted I am getting no sleep tonight, it is almost three and I have not even begun the two papers I have due, well, not begun typing them anyway.

I could skip my first class to get more sleep, but my RM is in that class and seeing as that is my favorite eye candy it is 95% of the reason I look forward to Thursdays.

Two days and counting

Dusting off another classic...

2008-02-24T22:40:04Z

You can ask me any 4 questions that you want, no matter how secretive the question is. I will answer them honestly! But in return YOU have to do the same. If you ask me 4 questions then you have to post this message on your livejournal! I will not lie on any question, no matter how bad! ASK AWAY!

GO NOW IF YOU WANT IT, ANOTHER ONE AWAITS YOU

2008-02-24T07:07:40Z

I found out iTunes had a ton of Final Fantasy music on it, so I went on a shopping spree. My mom might be a little mad, but I love this music so I guess what happens happens.

I have to go to Hilton Head for spring break to see my cousin's accident baby, Hilton Head is only fun for old people....I must admit the restaurants are good though so at least I might get to eat well.

I'd much rather stay home, but I guess it will be nice to see some of the family again.

My hair is getting way too long, I really need to get it cut, it looks terrible now no matter what I try to do to it, the curls are too strong and they disobey my commands.

I'm beginning to fall in love with the gourmet veggie sub from Jimmy John's it tastes sooooo effing good, I want another XD

I have to write a visual analysis on "The Landscape at L'Estaque" by Andre Derain, all of the colors on it are so bright and intense I have a hard time distinguishing between them due to the partial colorblindness issue, makes the assignment a lot harder...

Less than a week til spring break, cannot come soon enough, seriously

FUCK SCHOOL RIVALRY

2008-02-21T10:12:36Z

So, I would like to say this to all the Tar Heels on my friends list:

FUCK YOU

Spencer Berry, who attends NCSU only as a student and not a person with school spirit in the least was innocently caught in the crossfire between both schools when walking through the Free Expression Tunnel which had been painted completely light blue and white, which really I do not care about, I like those colors.

What I do hate is the wet paint completely covering the ground, I tried stepping around it so as to not mess up my shoes and ended up losing my balance and sliding against the wall, which was also wet

So now my Gryffindor jacket, which was pretty much my only Christmas present by the way, is now completely ruined unless I can manage to get the fucking light blue paint out of it.

Fuck school rivalry, seriously, it is bad for innocent bystanders such as myself

EDIT: Don't take me seriously at all, I'm not mad, I am sure the paint is washable and I know none of you guys are responsible in the least. =D

BOREDOM

2008-02-21T04:03:38Z

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.

1. - How do you eat that?
- In pretty much the standard way.
-You know, if I ate that everyday, I would get a big fat ass.
-Is that your greatest fear?
-No, but it's my mother's greatest wish.
-What? That you be fat?
- No, just fatter than her.

2.- A full-grown man bit you?
-Sure it wasn't a dog?
-I said it was a man.

Underworld Tasha

3. -I'm gonna kill my dad Dot. Tonight. I hate him you know. I hate him and I love him. I hate it when he won't let me go out with my friends, but I love it when he *fucks* me. I hate it when he fucks me too, though. See how that works? Doesn't make any sense.

4. -It started with a chair.

Juno Tasha

5. -Scared of being called "queer"?
-Are you?
- Maybe... maybe not.
- And are ya?
-Queer?
-Gay.
-Very happy. I'm happy when I'm with you...

6. -Yes, of course the Sunday comics.
- Well, when I was a little kid, I use to put my nose right up to them. And I was just amazed because it looked like this mass of dots, and none of it made sense until I pulled back. Life looks like that mass of dots to me sometimes. None of it makes any sense, but I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this - make sense. It's not just dots. Instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and funny and good. This close we can't expect it to make sense, not right now.

7. -Why didn't she take me? Like the others?
- Because you're her mother. Mother is God in the eyes of a child.

8. - Dilly-Dally Shilly-Shally

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Tasha

9. -We fought the infection. We survived the apocalypse. And now, we face extinction

Resident Evil: Extinction Tasha

10. - Are you okay?
- Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.

11. - I hope they have pudding.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Amanda

12. -Now watch closely, everyone. I'm going to show you how to kill a god. A god of life and death. The trick is not to fear him.

Princess Mononoke Tasha

13. -He made his own choice.
- And you have made yours. We will fight, and you will die.

14. -You fool. No man can kill me, die now!
-I am no man!

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Tasha

15. You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?
-Yeah, for a second, I kinda did.

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 Tasha

hopefulprayer @ 2008-02-19T00:20:00

2008-02-19T05:28:07Z

I'm not feeling any better, I felt good most of today but once again about this time I started feeling bad again.

I am still too embarrassed to give out the details, because I feel it is a trivial thing to get so down over.

Is there a way you can get surgery to remove the part of your brain that processes emotions? I'll take that surgery, kthx

I'm so sick of feeling like this for something so stupid, fer srs.

hopefulprayer @ 2008-02-17T00:14:00

2008-02-17T05:45:58Z

I have been battling with an intense depression almost every night lately

I have never been able to identify a reason, but now I am pretty sure I know exactly what that reason is

But it is something that I do not wish to share, mostly out of embarrassment and disappointment

I find myself wanting to cry a lot but never being able to make the tears come

I really want to be alone with my thoughts at the moment, I am in a "sit in the dark with depressing music playing with my face in a pillow and pout" mood

But Tim decided to come back today just to sit at his computer and watch House episodes and sit and be like "What? That's crazy!" and laugh and all that crap, with his headphones on the whole time, he does this in the mornings too with House episodes and also with singing to music, seriously, headphones are meant to stop sound from escaping it defeats the purpose if you create more noise while you have them on

seriously, sometimes people need to be alone, having roommates is retarded, especially having one that goes to bed and gets up way too early

I'm going to watch Juno and see if it can pull me out of this sadness I have locked myself into