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Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
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It's almost 5:30 in the morning and rather than going and printing out my homework I finished almost an hour ago I have wandered onto this site that I have not visited in months. I doubt anyone will even read the stuff I write anymore.
The more and more I sit in classes the more and more I realize I should not be in college, especially NC State. I have no clue what I want to do with my life in any sense that the phrase can be interpreted. I have no idea what job I want. I have no idea what I want to major in. I have no idea if I want to live in a home in the country, a townhouse in the suburbs, or an apartment in the big city. I have no idea if I picture myself with or without "another" in my life. I have no idea if I want kids or not. I have absolutely no aspirations in my life beyond this point other than the basics: enough to get by.
I hate feeling pressured to make the decision now on what path I should take. I really just want to keep my major undecided because I cannot choose one right now, nothing feels right anymore. Every subject area just feels like the exact same thing to me: a bother.
I feel almost like I am in elementary school again. I go to class and come back to my room to find solace in the video games where I have sheltered myself ever since I was very young.
I would really like to continue dumping here the thoughts that have been plugging up my consciousness for what feels like years but losing more sleep will only make these thoughts even more of an issue.
So to bed I go, class in 5 hours
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Step 1: Put your MP3 player or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first a line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: No cheating.
1. I think we have an emergency, I think we have an emergency
2. So this is how it goes, well I, I would have never known
3. When they push when they pull tell me can you hold on?
4. Somehow everything is going to fall right into place, if we only had a way to make it all fall faster every day
5. Heaven bent to take my hand and lead me through the fire, be the long-awaited answer to a long and painful fight
6. Hearts are worn in these dark ages, you're not alone in this story's pages
7. When the pimps in the crib drop it like it's hot
8. An old man turned 98, he won the lottery and died the next day
9. Tonight we'll fly away so high, our first full moon sky
10. Oh no I just keep on falling back to the same hole
11. We try so hard to understand, but we can't.
12. Okay so, who doesn't own a cell phone, who brought back their permission slip
13. Ah, dirty, filthy, nasty, Christina you nasty, too dirty to clean my act up
14. Another day is going by, I'm thinking about you all the time but you're out there and I'm here waiting
15. When you feel it in your body, you found somebody that make you change your ways
16. I'm in the business of misery, lets take it from the top
17. All these stupid silly songs keep trying to catch your ear, trying desperately, it's just so hard to persevere
18. Everything has been said before, nothing's left to say anymore when it's all the same you can ask for it by name
19. Breaking my back just to know your name, 17 tracks and ive had it with this game
20. Well I'll wait till you listen I won't say a word
21. Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by
22. All I know is everything is not as it's sold, but the more I grow the less I know
23. My eyes can't believe what they have seen.
24. Now I will tell you what I have done for you, fifty thousand tears ive cried
25. I kind of always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend, Whoa, I kind of always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
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I can't believe how long it has been since I've been on here
Anyway
I started working third shift at Wal-Mart and I hate it a lot
I have to start getting ready in about 6 hours and I can't sleep at all
I was going to type more but I forgot and actually I'm kinda getting tired again so I'm going to try and get at least a little sleep
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Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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I feel like I need to get away for a while
Just get away from school, home, just life in general
I am exhausted in every single way that a person can be exhausted, and no matter what I do I never feel rejuvenated
I'm sad all the time, I'm stressed all the time, my hair is falling out, I'm having trouble sleeping, it's just not good.
I have a book I should be trying to read, but I can't seem to focus because I'm so damn sad.
I need a break...from everything to do with my current life.
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I had nightmares all night last night and my hair is falling out today
I don't know what is wrong with me
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Why don't most guys wash their hands after going to the bathroom?
I mean, seriously, if you were in there you obviously were not touching a lot of sanitary things in the bathroom
It's really no use washing my hands if I put my hand on a door handle, that has just been touched by a guy who just took his hand off his dick after pissing, in order to leave the bathroom.
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I never realized until just now the extent to exactly how unbelievably shy I am...
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Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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So, as anticipated I did not get the Resident Mentor position, I just got the rejection email
I knew it was coming, I was prepared for it, I knew exactly what that email was going to say before I opened it and still when I read it I felt like I had been punched in the stomach
I don't know why it hit me so hard, I knew I couldn't get the position right now anyway because I failed english, but still it stung
It often amazes me how anytime I truly want something the most unusual obstacles come from nowhere to get in my way
There are 10 slots for Resident Mentors available, normally they have less than that number of people apply, so pretty much as long as you meet the minimum requirements and do reasonably well on the essay and the interview you get the job
Well it just so happens that the year I come to NCSU and decide that I want to apply for the position all the sudden lots of people take interest in it
They had 21 people apply, more than twice the number of positions they have available
Normally, even if I had not met the requirements they would just wait until the end of the year and after grades and everything came in I could be offered the position during the summer, but seeing as this year they had so many people apply the likelihood of that happening is damn near slim
It really really sucks, because I wasn't even doing this for the extracurricular credit or putting it on my resume or getting paid or whatever, I actually WANTED to do this, and I wont get to because it just so happened that the year I get here they all the sudden have a surge in interest
It seriously does amaze me how every single time I actually decide to go out on a limb and actually try to get something I want like this out of the ordinary things come from nowhere to bar my path
I would really just love to lay down and forget about this until my next class but I have a fucking art history test to study for that I am undoubtedly going to fail
Oh and my roommate listening to retarded sounding jungle music without headphones and snapping his fingers to it while saying things and sounding all happy isnt helping my emo-tastic attitude go away either
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
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I changed my facebook to say that I am gay, which means now I am pretty much out to everyone I know that is not my family
Don't ask me why I just...did it, I just felt moved to do so I guess.
It just felt right I guess?
Not that most people haven't been saying it about me for years behind my back (and to my face) anyway
It will just be one less thing on my mind from now on
Not that anybody really cares, I doubt I will get many reactions from it, at least I hope so. I'm not really into being an attention whore
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Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
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I am beginning to like these things
I am pretty sure the first question I will ask is "Will you sex me now?"
what happens after that is up to their answer
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Really, I am envious of how much confidence they have because I can't seem to have any confidence in myself at all, I really envy that in anyone who has it.
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| Time: | 12:14 am. |
| Mood: |  nervous. |
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I have my Resident Mentor interview in like 10 hours and 16 minutes
soooooo nervous
I hate interviews, so much
I spent about 3 1/2 hours total brainstorming and practicing and whatnot with my RM, and apparently my answers to every question I answered very well
I am so ill-prepared for this I had to effing borrow a pair of his pants because all I have is jeans, haha
the fact that he is so pretty is only a secondary reason to me asking him to help me with the interview >_
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Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
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DAAAAAAAAAAMMNNN
Looks like I am stuck at NCSU for Easter *sad face*
I hate not having a car, seriously, it blows
I don't want to stay heeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrre
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 5:19 am. |
| Mood: |  content. | | Music: | "Beautiful Day"-U2. |
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It's 5:20 in the morning, I'm going to get less than 6 hours of sleep
And yet this is the first time in a long time that I am going to bed absolutely happy
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1. Comment with any subject that you would like me to rant on, with possible swearing involved. Any subject - I don't even have to agree with it.
2. Watch my journal for your rant
3. Post this in your own journal, so that you may rant for others. The end.
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Thursday, March 6th, 2008
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I hate the news, seriously, hate them
Sam Baker was such a sweet, funny, nice kid
and that article (the wsoctv one) makes him look like a statistic in the bad teen driver category, just another of those typical irresponsible teenage drivers with no respect for driving regulations, I mean there is even a link to "Teen Driver Facts" at the bottom of the fucking page!
and also stating the police wanting to charge him with a death by auto accident misdemeanor, that is so damn retarded, I think being pushed to the brink of death by your own mistake and killing a friend of yours would be enough punishment, the law can't do greater damage than that, even if he had survived
It all disgusts me
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 5:04 am. |
| Mood: |  irritated. |
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so tonight sucks
The family all went out to eat tonight
when we went out to eat tonight it was the baby's first time out to a restaurant, or really anywhere that wasnt my cousins or his gf's house, and there was this whole "OMG MUST TAKE PICTORZ 4 BABY BOOK" hooplah
and nobody had a camera so the older women (my mother and aunt) were acting like it was a tragedy and all that
and so i was like "holy crap, its nothing to make a huge deal out of, calm down and think about your health"
and my mom said "now i dont feel guilty for only keeping up with yours for the first 6 months"
that wasnt the hurtful part i really couldnt care less about that...
but then my aunt said "well think about what will happen when he gets married and has kids and his wife asks for his baby book"
anytime they mention my future wife and kids it always feels like a gut punch...
it is about the only thing I have been able to think about all night, and it seriously does feel like im being punched in the stomach every time i remember it, it kinda makes me want to cry
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Thursday, February 28th, 2008
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holy crap
I just typed my entire statistics paper, and I think it is very possible that I may have done the whole thing wrong...It is due in 30 minutes.
SHIT
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I've accepted I am getting no sleep tonight, it is almost three and I have not even begun the two papers I have due, well, not begun typing them anyway.
I could skip my first class to get more sleep, but my RM is in that class and seeing as that is my favorite eye candy it is 95% of the reason I look forward to Thursdays.
Two days and counting
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Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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You can ask me any 4 questions that you want, no matter how secretive the question is. I will answer them honestly! But in return YOU have to do the same. If you ask me 4 questions then you have to post this message on your livejournal! I will not lie on any question, no matter how bad! ASK AWAY!
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hopefulprayer's journal
crushed.